Blew out my flip-flops

I have a problem. I hate wearing shoes. I have an even bigger problem. I love buying shoes. If I had my choice, I'd be barefoot or in flip-flops all year long. And yet, the bottom of my closet is littered with shoes (well, the ones JoJo hasn't demolished, anyway).

I've got sneakers, hiking boots, my three (ugh, two pair, thanks JoJo) beloved pair of Doc Martens, flip-flops, various high heels, but the crown jewel in my collection is a pair of Naughty Monkey pumps. You've probably never heard of the brand. They're not like Jimmy Choos or Manolos. I first heard of the brand in the most unlikely of places...a Washington Post article about a then unknown Governor of a little state called Alaska.

Yup.

The Post analyzed her outfit down to her sassy peep-toe kick ass red pump. I was intrigued. I had never seen a pair of shoes like them...plus, come on, the name was too funny to not investigate. So, I googled the name, and the angels sang and the clouds parted. It was sassy shoe nirvana. Page after page of cute shoes....with 3-5 inch heels.

Did I mention how much I hate wearing shoes? But these were just irresistible. I had to have a pair.

So, I went online and bought some.  And they are totally and completely  impractical. The heel is four inches high...and they are hot pink and black, and I loooooooooooove them. And I've had them for two years, and I haven't worn them once.

Not. once.

I'm afraid I will fall and break my ankle.

Have I mentioned my irrational fear of falling before? It's not like my TOTALLY rational fear of birds. Birds are evil creatures just waiting to peck your eyes out or poop on you. Really, that's all they were put on the planet to do.

Anyway...my fear of falling is totally irrational. I can walk for days, weeks, even months without falling (yeah, I know....totally jinxed myself). And seriously, for the money I spent on the shoes, I should be wearing them everyday, plus sleeping in them.

And yet, they sit still in their original box, out of JoJo's reach in the top of my closet.

They're safer there.

And so are my ankles.

For now.